If you replace the scenic meadow landscape on this photo with mewithoutYou on stage at Emo's Outside, you'll get the picture I'm trying to paint.

Ever go to a concert and notice that guy that’s just there by himself?  Every show I’ve been to has that guy.  What a LOSER! Oh my god!  I mean, he couldn’t even wrangle together a couple of friends to go to this show?  Has he no life?  I bet he plays hours of video games a day, and “reads” a lot.  At least, he could have brought his girlfriend. With a mug like that I’m sure he doesn’t even have a girlfriend. What an asshole.

Well, I was that asshole last night.  I liked it.  I haven’t been to a concert by myself in a while, not since mewithoutYou and The Dear Hunter in June.  THAT show was my first solo flight.  I didn’t really feel that weird about it because it was mewithoutYou, and their Christian post-hXc followers can be pretty nice.  I expect most Christians to be convivial unless I bring up gay marriage or how Jesus probably rode a Velociraptor around.  That show was really nice, despite the hands being held high and the smell of cologne.  However, I kind of told myself I would never do it again.  I was alone.  I was out in the open.  I could have been pamphleteer-ed or EVEN WORSE converted.  You always need a wingman or best case scenario, a squadron.

In high school and college, I usually went to concerts at least rolling three deep, maybe even with a lady to score us the “approachable” points with da ladeez.  I never really thought about it, but the shows we went to kind of required that we keep together closely and watch each others’ backs.  I sometimes imagine what would have happened if that guy from The Mars Volta concert with the word “FUCK” tattooed across his chest wanted to start a fight with me, instead of the other shirtless bro.  I would have been publicly humiliated by this guy who, obviously, had a hormone problem.  What if that cat fight I broke up at the Between the Buried and Me show got out of hand and the two chicks decided to break me off?  I would have had my head on a swivel, but I’m pretty sure I would have gotten jacked the fuck up.  The only thing worse than fighting one out of control chick is fighting two.

With all of this running through my mind before the La Dispute show last night at Emo’s, I decided to go for it. I love them so much, it didn’t matter where they played.  I would have to see them.

I braved the chances of me bumping into the wrong person and getting gang tackled by a squad of hipsters.  Alas, it did not happen.  Actually, I convinced myself that if things got rough I would just start kicking people in the skinny jeans.  I mean, it’s low, but effective, and I’m not really a person with many principles/morals/regrets.

But, the experience taught me one thing.  I’ve always been kind of alone.  I was an only child growing up.  I did shit alone all the time.  I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was 8.  [I know, legit, right?]  I mean, shit, I’ve become so fucking needy of other people in the past few years.  I’m realizing every day how stupid it’s become.  I need contact, but not as much as I think I do.  I’m finally becoming aware of how little I need people in my day-to-day life.  I really like my friends, but I’m becoming more independent, as I once was, as I always should have been.  I believe it’s made me weak.  I’m too conscious of the outside. I’m too focused on what people have thought about me and the way that people will see me if I treat people a certain way.  Anyway.

My New Year Resolution is to do as such:

  • Become more independent emotionally
  • Get all of the needy, narcissistic and manipulative people out of my life

Oddly enough, those two are directly related.  My personality for some reason focuses on helping people that are in trouble.  I want to fix things, inanimate or animate, but I can’t do that anymore. Time to go back to lone wolf mode.  Because the more time you spend with yourself, the more you realize that you’re pretty fucking crummy, too.  The only person left to fix is you.

It’s tool time,



PPS:  I love you, Houston Texans (9 – 7).  Good season. Let’s build on that.


Greens versus Reds. Ain't that always the case?
"Hey, hand me that dice, old chap. I must decide the fate of Africa," said Great Britain to France.

Despite internet pornography/social networking sites and the microwave, modernity has given us the wonderful privilege of being constantly bombarded with fucked up situations and possibilities.  Every time you step outside your front door, or backdoor depending on circumstance or 70s classic rock band you front, you leave yourself vulnerable to a host of dangers.  You could get randomly electrocuted, or even its most brutal extreme blood-trocuted.  You could get hit by a bus being driven by a chronic texter.  You could stumble into the crossfire of a gang battle over the artistry of Kanye West or the debate over whether or not Glee is too gay/not gay enough for TV.

The inclement weather in Austin today could create a slippery enough surface that I could bust the back of my head on the stairs outside.  Today’s weather could knock out all of the power to the security grid we’ve so tirelessly built, releasing all of our predatory dinosaurs and allowing them to roam free to kill our favorite black actors.

I’m not much of a risk taker, but I’m aware of the dangers that await me out “there”.  Despite the horrifying likelihood that we all get in an awful car crash at some point in our lives, I get in “El Guerito” and drive to work like a good citizen on a daily basis.  I laugh in the face of  being approached by a vagabond or transient in a South Austin cafe and being asked for change.  Every moment I pass off a latte to an unsuspecting businessman or douche-fag is a death wish.

I can get H1N1! What would happen to me?!?!? I’m only 23! I can’t die from someone not washing their hands!  Even then, there’s apparently some terrifying side-affect to the H1N1 vaccine that I just discovered that has sworn me off vaccinations and probably the whole Enlightenment Era in general.

I’m not much of a risk taker.  It took me ages to even consider doing ESPN’s Streak for the Cash, and that’s free.  I never buy anything out of impulse anymore.  This might be caused by my lack of substantial income, but I also don’t want to have to eat dirt for a couple of weeks because I decided I needed thirteen Wild Side Snuggies for my friends and family. I suppose this is why my life is pretty plain for the most part.  I never go downtown because I’m petrified of dude-bros and their persistence on being.  I never go on camping trips because I watched too many slasher films.  I never say much to women between the ages of 20-25 anymore because they’re mostly self-involved succubi that have no motive but to be insufferable.  OK, I don’t mean that… only sort of.  I don’t hang out or jam with guys that aren’t my friends because I’m always afraid I’ll be disappointed with who they are and what they’re about.  That’s usually the case.  I couldn’t just move somewhere unless there was something concrete and worthwhile there.

Security in oneself and their future is derived from hard work and diligence.

Even in the seemingly most secure moments, it’s hard to push yourself over that edge.  You have to convince yourself you’ve done enough.  You have to trust yourself.  For any great self-loather, that’s quite the task.

I appreciate risk-takers in whatever capacity they choose.  At times, they can be the embodiment of strength.  In business, it takes a strong personality to make something work.  In art, it takes a strong spirit to push through the drudgery and pain.  In relationships, it takes a strong mind to be able to deal with the bullshit artists and shitty situations you put yourself in.  In poker, it takes strong nerves to sit at a table with me CUZ I COM TO TAEK ALL UR MONNNEEZZ LOLOLMAO! [I have never won a table in my life.]

I’m going to start taking baby risks.

Like throwing them in the air,


PS: The new Between the Buried and Me album comes out tomorrow. I am so psyched!

PPS: Fell in love with Devil Sold His Soul today.

PPPS:  The Texans, Longhorns and Chelsea all won this weekend. Let’s give it up for my favorite teams!