To Whom It May Concern:
I know. hehehe That tiny cat is adorable. Ha. I think we both can agree that cat’s tiny spine cannot support the weight of a human person, nor does it possess the strength needed to transport critical and consumer goods between the couch and coffee table. Stupid cat. It’s expendable. I can plant something in his desk; make it seem like he’s been stealing. Fire him on a Friday.
See? This is the sort of critical thinking your company needs.
I’m great. I know that this position just opened up, and I’m perfect for it. When you hire me let us consider getting rid of some dead weight, yeah? I’m like an overworked porn star. I can pretty much fill any position, even better ones you’ve never thought of.
OK, honestly, I am a college graduate, currently getting my MA, bilingual, hate homeless people, ridiculously loyal, promiscuous, if need be, and needing a challenge. Don’t allow the influx of overly qualified and well-groomed Southern Californians into our fair city dissuade you from making the right decision. Not to sound like a protectionist, but as a protectionist, why can’t we just look out for the Texans for a lil while, yeah? While this whole thing blows over. That riff-raff moving east is good for nothing anyway. You’ve seen what they’ve done to their own state.
Anyway, good talk. Hire me.
PS: I’ll bring tacos every day. I’m serious.
I’d say this a well-known fact amongst the youth of America, but I feel like discussing something. Wolf t-shirts are fucking sweet. In fact, anything with a majestic animal, scenic views or an epically postured red man plastered across the front owns. At 8, I remember my dad getting back from New Mexico bearing the gift of my very first majestic shirt. It was of a Velociraptor. That’s it. Between the ages of 11 and 21, I lived my life sans majestic/scenic wildreness t-shirt. It took me until 21 to really get the balls to get an epic shirt with a fucking sweet ass white tiger on the front.
I want the balls to wear that shit out in public daily, and not exclusively to concerts where I don’t want to get fucked with. You’d be amazed what an intimidating sight a dude wearing a shirt with a white mother tigress and her pink-nosed cub on the front can be. Aside from being total a-hole repellent, my shirt is a ragin’ chick-magnet. My t-shirt says, I love nature, but I’m also dangerous, OR for the ironic chick, have a sense of humor.
I just wish I had the balls to consistently wear it in public.
I say all this because I saw some kid who looked like one of those geeks that played Pokemon on his Gameboy Advanced in high school wearing a great dragon shirt. I mentioned to Darby that I wanted to be brave like him. I wear plain things. I don’t want to stand out. I think my weird personality and chattiness do that enough. I wanted to own people’s faces with my dragon shirt like that 16 year old kid. I wanted to tell people to fuck-off and come off as the coolest guy at this end of the queue simultaneously, without saying a word.
Please, buy me a dragon shirt,