1. Are we better than Mexico?
2. Is Jürgen Klinsmann the right man for the job?
Much like Hessian mercenaries sent to the continent during the Revolutionary War, our own Teutonic condottiere will get the job done as long as Sunil Gulati keeps his mouth shut, the money’s flowing, and airfare from Germany to the United States continues to be affordable.
3. Can the United States win the World Cup?
It’s won two World Wars. Don’t get greedy.
4. Is Clint Dempsey America’s best player?
Yes, Clint Dempsey is America’s best player. He is also America’s best:
- Designer of High Fashion
- Stage Diver
- Set of Bulgy Eyes
- American Hero
- Square Dancer
- Hand Model
5. Does the United States have a mascot?
Yes, it’s Stu Holden’s Hair.