I don’t have a middle name. I guess my parents thought DagoBERTO was enough. I always wondered by the last part of my first name was even necessary. That space could have been used for something else, like another name… David? Mortimer? Schmiegel? I don’t know. Anything would do. People often assume “Berto” is my middle name. Those people are retarded.
I know this; I’m pretty sure my first name has killed at least 100 trees by now. If the amount of paper space used to write my name were smaller, it could save a forest. 9 letters… goddamn. I know there are long names out there, but my parents could have just done the environment a favor and called me “D” or “-“. I wouldn’t be mad at them for it, because I would eventually realize the positive ecological impact my short name would have. I would thank them, and maybe even name my kid something even more minimalist like ” “. Children are supposed to be seen not heard, right? What about not even seen?! That’s what we call progress.
Anyway, the other day I was making my usual social media rounds–checking Facebook, tweeting, 4squaring, wordpressing, hittin’ the /b/ boards, staring at Tumblr asking, “Why?”, and then I saw someone in my Facebook chat that I had never seen before. I recognized the first name. It’s a pretty common one. But, the last name… I didn’t know any Lee-s. I knew some Li-s, but not Lee-s… What is going on here? Shit! That’s your fucking middle name! GODDAMMIT! FOILED AGAIN! GAHHHHHHH! MY COMPLICATED SYSTEM OF READING NAMES AND ASSOCIATING THEM TO PEOPLE/”PERSONALITIES” HAS BEEN RUINED!
Perhaps I’m just envious that people have middle names? I mean, traditionally my name would be Dagoberto Garcia Zepeda, but that’s not as powerful or to-the-point as the monosyllabic Lee. LEE. LEEEEEE! I’m talking fucking Lee.
At this point the only people that share their middle names on Facebook are people I usually don’t give a shit about. I slightly remember meeting them, or we have some sort of loose association to one another. If I wanted to know your middle name, I would have asked you. I’m sure no one cares about your plain-ass, run-of-the-mill middle name. If it were something hilariously Jewish like Mordecai, yeah, maybe I’d give have a lol about it, but it seems like aspiring sorority girls, people with no clue, and the bored are for some reason motivated to share their middle names on Facebook.
At this stage, adding or sharing your middle name on Facebook is the equivalent of getting an Internet Tribal Armband Tattoo. I see it. I fucking clock out. I’m done. You’ve pretty much given up. If doing the most asinine and meaningless thing on Facebook, aside from playing Farmville, is most interesting thing you could have been doing at that moment, then maybe, JUST MAYBE, you need to sort yourself out.
PS: Speaking of sorting things out. Hello, Ellen Page. Still lurv u, boo. :) I bet she’d only date a guy with an awesome middle name, like Excelsior or something. :/
PPS: It’s sad that I take the time to write about this, but this is the most interesting thing I could be doing at this exact moment. :) Plus, SCHOOL’S OUT!