You might want candy, but I might want it to go fuck off. I really hate candy. I don’t think there’s anything else in the world that makes me cringe more than sweet, delectable candy. What’s even worse is what candy turns people into–“happy”. What the fuck is that? (Maybe it’s a consequence of being a br00tuhl bruh, huh?) We’re past being happy, y’all. Happy was something we felt when we were 10, okay? If you’re past the age of 13, you don’t feel happy. Anything even resembling happiness now can only be artificially manufactured with horrifying consequences–cocaine, squeaking your wet shoes on a tile floor, fast women, fast cars, booze, Twix. C’mon, think about it. Alright! CONSENSUS! Now, we can move on.
In my post-happiness life I’ve found that eating candy might be one of the most painful, yet common, experiences people must endure. First off, when you bite into a candy bar you ask yourself, “What if someone’s watching? They must think I’m a big ole fatty.” Y’know what? You’re right. They do think you’re a big ole fatty, and you should give in to your fears. Put it down. Walk away. Never try to trick yourself into feeling happiness again. Happiness or attempting to reach happiness is for old fools and the people locked up in the loony bin. Get that candy necklace out of your gob and get on with your life. There’s money to be made, friends to be lost.
Honestly, I just don’t like candy. If it’s not chalky, it’s melty. If it’s not melty, it’s filled with razors. I don’t know about y’all, but I want my esophagus intact. I’ve got a lot of tacos I need to put away before I die. It’s going to be mad hard without one. Although, I do like chocolate a lot… hmm. Chocolate. Oh, fuck. I just smiled.
Ellen Page is my new boo. <3 u grrrl. u cn sell me Sisqo systemz any dai. Inception was legit. This one’s for you, baby.