Real Men Love Jesus

In the words of the venerable Snoop Dogg, they also carry big guns, big dicks and 1-8-7 skills {1}

The one thing I didn’t need to see at the end of a long and depressing day was this bumper sticker.  Putting personal religious beliefs aside, this is on of the most retarded, ineffective pieces of propaganda I have ever seen.  This isn’t the first time I’ve run by this douchenozzle of a statement (it’s been around since the 1980s), but it just struck a chord with me on a day that I probably could have used a lil’ Jesus.  But then again, it’s little gestures like these that remind me that I cannot in good conscience participate in a religious organization, or at least a “mnstrm” one.

Let’s see.  About two-thirds of the world, or roughly 4 billion people assuming everyone on the Earth has chosen a side in the cosmic battle for souls, are not Christians.  Out of the 2 billion persons that claim “Christianity” as their religious affiliation. Only about 5% are Protestants (Not including Anglicans).  Protestants are the only group with a constituency Southern and stupid enough in the United States to possibly make a sticker this absurd.  More math: 5% of 2 billion divided by 2 will just about give you the number of Protestant men–50 milli a milli a milli or so.  Out of those Protestant men, how many of them are southern and white?  I didn’t look that up, but I assume this is the group that this garbage comes from.  Southern, white Protestant men want to decide what the rest of the world should define as a “man”.  Well, talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy, amirite?  Win a civil war first.


If you follow the logic of this bumpersticker, there are billions amorphous sexual beings running around the planet.  I give you that number because women are just women.  Nothing can break them from that bondage, not even the recantation or an assertion of a belief in Christ.

With 5.9 billion people in the world living outside of Protestant-issued gender zones, it must be terrifying to be a Protestant.  They don’t know what to call anyone.  Are you a man? Are you a woman?  It just gets soooo damn confusing sometimes.  Is that why they push away the “other”?  Why think about other people?  Shit’s exhausting.  Christ-lovers only, plox.

Christian fear and insecurity is the greatest obstacle this country faces.  I’m not deriving this from a bumpersticker.  I’m just asking to take a look around you.  Look at the language of the right.  Look at their faces.  Fear and anger.  That’s what has beset Christian Fundamentalists since the 1970s.  The longer they persist, the harder the rational, truly spiritual and free-thinking will have to fight to fix our battered nation.


Can someone explain to me how essentially calling a person that doesn’t believe in Christ, or really care for the guy, a “eunuch” gets that person to convert?  Maybe it’s not a conversion tool?  Perhaps it’s a giant fucking pat on the back.  “Fuck yeah!  We did it!  We are doing exactly what the Bible didn’t teach us and that’s pushing people away from a faith that’s supposed to accept people, forgive, and win the minds of those disaffected by the powers at large.”

I’m going to start a little sticker company.  It’s going to be great.  I’m going to take the Bible, extract my own meaning, come to my own conclusions, and then print those on some plastic so people can put that shit on their truxxx. I’m going to make a bumpersticker that says things like, “Real Women Take Dick, Don’t Ask Fucking Questions, and Love GOD“.  We’ll see how that goes over.  I mean, that’s what the Bible teaches us right?  I mean, “Real Men Love Jesus” can’t really be proven by the word of God, but I’m pretty sure I can find enough scriptures to prove MY sticker, at least that’s what I believe. That’s enough, right?

I’m certain that most of my Christian friends are not closed-minded people.  In fact, I’m sure of it because we wouldn’t be friends.  I KNOW they don’t believe this garbage, but the fact that people do is infuriating.  NO ONE SHOULD EVER TELL YOU WHO YOU FUCKING ARE. This is an obvious truth to most, but not everyone.

The next person that tells me that it’s American to believe in God or that godliness is the only way, I’m going to snap.


EDIT: Y’all, I know my math sucks. I’m okay with it if you are.


3 thoughts on “Real Men Love Jesus”

  1. Dago,
    I try to fit the “open-minded Christian” bill, and am even serving in a faith-based AmeriCorps program. But, I live w/other Christians who have spent lots of their time telling me who I am and that is probably the biggest thing that has made me rethink being a “Real Man” (as the bumper sticker suggests). Anyways, thanks for sharing!

  2. A guy came into my store the other day wearing a black shirt with white text, “I love my wife.” I punched him. Really hard.

  3. I knew that was a Lil Wayne reference pre-link. Real Men Love Weezy.

    I wish some of the Christians you’ve described would take the time to realize that fledgling Christianity, the religion the Bible teaches us about, had so much to do with dealing with and living in an environment spattered with persecution. While Christians are still persecuted for their beliefs, I doubt it happens often here, at least certainly not to the extent that it used to.

    The Bible taught Christians, among other things, to preserve a cult. Unfortunately, many “real men” are stuck in that mindset, flexing their christulinity.

    Great post, Broan of Arc.

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