To Whom It May Concern:
I know. hehehe That tiny cat is adorable. Ha. I think we both can agree that cat’s tiny spine cannot support the weight of a human person, nor does it possess the strength needed to transport critical and consumer goods between the couch and coffee table. Stupid cat. It’s expendable. I can plant something in his desk; make it seem like he’s been stealing. Fire him on a Friday.
See? This is the sort of critical thinking your company needs.
I’m great. I know that this position just opened up, and I’m perfect for it. When you hire me let us consider getting rid of some dead weight, yeah? I’m like an overworked porn star. I can pretty much fill any position, even better ones you’ve never thought of.
OK, honestly, I am a college graduate, currently getting my MA, bilingual, hate homeless people, ridiculously loyal, promiscuous, if need be, and needing a challenge. Don’t allow the influx of overly qualified and well-groomed Southern Californians into our fair city dissuade you from making the right decision. Not to sound like a protectionist, but as a protectionist, why can’t we just look out for the Texans for a lil while, yeah? While this whole thing blows over. That riff-raff moving east is good for nothing anyway. You’ve seen what they’ve done to their own state.
Anyway, good talk. Hire me.
PS: I’ll bring tacos every day. I’m serious.