‘Stache

The head of the goat isn't used for our projection of Satan because of the horns. It's all in the beard. Nothing is more evil than a kempt beard. They should put this shit in books.
The head of the goat isn't used for our projection of Satan because of the horns. It's all in the goatee. Nothing is more evil than the vanity shown in kempt facial hair. They should put this shit in books, like the Bible.

Believe it or not, there are many things I don’t know balls about.  One of those is facial hair.  If you aren’t aware of my current state, I look like a latte-lovin’ woodsman, with half the implied strength and twice the flamboyance.

It’s not that I don’t care about the way I look (Ok, I don’t).  I just don’t care about facial hair.  It’s just so hard to manage on the daily.  I know many of you shave every day, but I just can’t seem to find time/motivation to do that.  I have important things to do like watch soccer, football, rhythmic gymnastics, frequent blogs, practice archery and come up with artful lies.  I’ve just let my face-quaff go all out over the past few months.

I like it.  It makes me feel older.  No one checks for my I.D. when I have this rug growing on my face.  No one steps up and asks if I should be in school or not.

When I do shave, everyone and their (my) mom thinks it’s the funniest thing to touch my face.

Let’s get something straight here.  It’s never okay to touch someone’s face unless you’re:

  1. Hellen Keller-esque
  2. A model
  3. A Hellen Keller-esque supermodel with the intent to get down special-needs style

I suppose people who do not shave often bring this upon themselves.  It’s the price we pay for not having an itchy face for a week or two.

I appreciate facial hair because, first of all, it keeps my head from completely looking like a jellybean, and because it provides an awesome template for human failure/achievement.

Perhaps failure is why I’m so afraid to shave or do anything with what my mother affectionately refers to as my pelos de culo (“ass hairs”).  I don’t want to end up looking like more of a buffoon.  I’d rather look like a homeless person, which helps me fit right in on S. Congress and 71, than some fucking try-hard.  There’s nothing more that I hate than try-hards.

Here are some try-hards that made it big while sportin’ their push-brooms, flavor-savers:

  • John Oates – His private eyes are watching you… while he twists his ‘stache! Creepy.
  • Stalin – “Hey, Stalin, what’s up?” “Oh, nothing, just starving the entirety of the Ukraine and twirling my moustache!
  • Hitler – Too obvious. I know.
  • Morris Day/Prince – Wrote hits while getting their facial hair trimmed up
  • Rick James
  • Theodore Roosevelt – Once, Theodore Roosevelt gutted a bear with a butter knife while his mustache strangled his Indian guide for walking him into a bear ambush. True story.  Put that in the history books.

Maybe facial hair isn’t that great.  The last president with facial hair was William Howard Taft.  “Lard-o” wasn’t that great of a president to begin with, but his administration may have killed the aesthetic of the Mustachioed President.  Notch destroying the American Mustache to another Republican catastrophe.  In fact, the last Democrat to be president and have facial hair was Grover Cleveland in the 1880s!

The twentieth century, or “The Mustache Tyranny”, was a time where television cowboys (never Indians), Republicans, butchers, Italians, Germans and any other member of the Axis of Evil distinguished themselves from the rest of us schleps with their chin-curtains, a la Souvarovs and dick brooms.

Facial hair is natural.  Styling your facial hair is evil at its core.

I’m reaching for the razor.

I’m crafting a mustache,

Dago

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