Soar like a… hawk.

Disappointing: When you type "hot guy faux hawk" into Google, I'm the first link? I'm writing a letter.
Disappointing: When you type "hot guy faux hawk" into Google, I'm NOT the first link? I'm writing a letter.

Growing up I was never really a fan of hair-dos.  My mother found it odd, but I wasn’t really down with haircuts or… style.  Not much has changed.  One of the only times I ever styled my hair growing up was for some Glamour Shot photo-shoot my mother decided would be a good idea for us.  Obviously, this was one of the few times my mother was horribly wrong.  That shoot and those photos haunt me to this day.

This all changed about a year ago when I went into an establishment, showed a guy a picture of myself with short hair.  He asked me if I wanted to do something new. I said, “Sure, I’m boring enough. Get to work Sancho!”  He proceeded to fawk (faux-hawk) me… HARD.  I was changed man.  I got fawked, and I liked it.  I let it happen again a few months later.  Only this time, I brought a friend.  We got fawked right then and there at the same time.  Needless to say, it was an experience.

However, as my hair has grown over the past couple of months, I have become comfortable with my hair’s length and the way it feels without product in it. I am back to being boring old me.

Also, I never felt I was “cool” enough to have a faux-hawk, or any hair style to be honest.  I can’t pull anything off.  I have a big head (figuratively and literally).  Really anything I do accentuates my obvious Charlie Brown-like head situation. Also, this recession beard I’m growing doesn’t really fit with anything other than a disheveled “I just got out of college and haven’t found a job that I like yet because Republicans, conservative and moderate Democrats fucked our economy because they’re greedy, and we are all to blame for letting them” look.

I AM envious of people that can pull off a faux-hawk, look good and not come off as a total douche.  Nearly everyone I’ve encountered at work, school, in the media and in life that rawkz a hawk looks/acts like a douche.  I know, I’m stereotyping, but let’s take a moment to think about some faux-hawks in our own lives and public life, and get to the bottom of this.

  • David Beckham – Although he’s hot as balls (I’m straight. I promise), he sucks at his sport, is overpaid and rolls on reputation alone.
  • Rihanna – She got jacked up by Chris Brown because she had one and for sucking at singing… and she probably talked about his momma… Yeah, I went there.
  • Ricky Martin
  • Angelina Jolie’s Stupid Baby – I can’t attest to the character of this kid, but I can tell you he’s getting a head start on super-douchedom.
  • Chris Anderson (Denver Nuggets) – Like being the only white guy on your team DOESN’T make you stand out. Sit down, Mt. Anderson.
  • Jake Luhrs (August Burns Red) – Nothing screams, “Fake!” like fronting an awful Christian metalcore band.

Jeez, that last one hurts. I need to get that out of my system. FAST!

I really sound like a hater now.  Alright, I guess I’m a little envious of their ability to consistently go out there and be “different”.  But in reality, they’re not being that different.  They all sport a cut that a small, effeminate Indian boy (Sanjaya) or a Northwestern lesbian could be comfortable in.  I guess perception is reality. Unfortunately, in today’s society the more different you think you’re being, the more you find yourself fitting into the world around you.  Hairstyles are just a way that people choose to stick out that I never really bought into.

I don’t think I’m a better person for not doing this.  We all want to stand out.  I try it in different ways.  Being a chatty asshole counts, right?  I am glad that I took a chance and went for it for once.  I’m really timid about doing adventurous things with myself.  At least, I learned what I liked about it and didn’t like about it.  I guess, getting a hawk was my way of doing something different for myself. I think that we should all be more adventurous with ourselves, whatever level you’re at.  I say, get fawked.


2 thoughts on “Soar like a… hawk.”

  1. How can you call august burns red an awful band? you’re a fucking moron who knows nothing, you stupid shit

    1. Haha, you’ve got me. I don’t know shit.

      Go hug a cross or something.

      PS: Seeing them play with both Behold… the Arctopus and Between the Buried and Me doesn’t help their case. They’re cookie-cutter at best.

      PPS: Living in Ohio must be depressing.

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